


Miss Piggy's Whore House

by Lower_your_standards



Category: The Muppets - All Media Types
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Complete joke please do not take seriously, Crack Treated Seriously, Cursed, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I am not 12 I am an adult, I should have priorities by now, I swear I'm a mature individual, Killer Pianos, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Peak dumbass, What Have I Done, but I don't, dumbassery, i think, whore house
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:35:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22456576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lower_your_standards/pseuds/Lower_your_standards
Summary: Insert-Name-Here needs a job. And there's one cursed swine that can help. Watch as the naive dumbass that is Insert-Name-Here finds just where to fit in this wacky establishment.
Relationships: Author/Slight Regret With Laughter, Everyone/Original Character(s), Kermit the Frog/Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy/Tobacco, Miss Piggy/Violence, Original Character/Stupidity
Kudos: 3





	Miss Piggy's Whore House

**Author's Note:**

  * For [squeezyworld](https://archiveofourown.org/users/squeezyworld/gifts).



> For the record, this is really bad. I am in no way trying to make this serious. I am asexual and I wrote this while cringing. My allo friend (squeezyworld) is here to laugh at me and write the kinks because I don't even want to know what they mean. If you read this, I'm sorry but my friend is not. please enjoy this absolute cursed trash that is this story. 
> 
> It starts bad and it will end even worse. You have been warned. 
> 
> What a first story, amiright? 
> 
> Updates will have no schedule in the slightest. I can only write every moon cycle when my turn with the braincell has left me.

So. It was time. I really needed the money so if I have to resort to a job like this. Well. I can't really complain. You see, after my family of nine died in that freak piano crash, I've been on my own. I've struggled to make ends meet, since no job would keep for me, it seemed hopeless. It wasn't until I remembered what my mom told me right before the first of many pianos descended from the sky and crushed her bones like she was a toothpick.

She had said "I know you're still mad about your father and I naming you, Insert-Name-Here, but we thought it was funny at the time, it is still funny. And just so you know, we never liked you as much as the other six children, so we're faking all of our deaths except for yours in a dumbass way because you're too much of a dumbass to realize what we're saying. God, Insert-Name-Here, how are you such a dumbass, it's honesty insane, i'm disappointed to be related to you. Honestly, the only job you'd probably be able to do is a stripper since you have no brain or sense of shame. Anyways, we've already cut you out of our will and legally disowned you, so bon-fucking-voyage you fucking imbecile!" 

I hold that memory in my heart, I know my mother loved me dearly and I miss her everyday. She would have known what to do. So I'm following her advice, I know that she's up there in heaven with pride in her heart. I'm making her proud. I hope her, my father, my brothers, Carry, Jerry, Larry, Barry, Derry and my sister Ronda are guiding my way and are at peace. Now, it's time for the job interview. 

I looked up at the neon pink sign in wonder, this is where my life begins. I read it aloud.

"Miss piggy's whore house" it said. Sounds exciting. 

I walked inside, the entire building was dark with loud music. And it had the odour of sex, drugs, alchohol and is that… pork? 

Plot twist, it was. Me, being a 7’1 individual that has the same thiccness of a needle, was incapable of noticing the 3’4, generously thicc pig dressed like a, pardon my french, whore. She was holding a pure gold cane that was decorated with various designs of dead frogs and the top of the cane resembles something I’d rather not say. But it looks like a dick. 

She stood in front of me, just sort of staring up at me. Although I couldn’t tell if she was looking at my crotchal area or at one of my plethora of eye balls. Her spine cracked painfully as she craned. And then, in a deep, sensual voice of a chainsmoker who smoked 20 packs an hour, she said, 

“Can I help yah toots.” 

“Hello, yes my dear pig, I am here to see if I may humbly acquire an employment at your lovely institution of sluts. And when I say slut, I do mean very noble…. people.” 

“You’re fucking with me, aren’t cha?” 

“No no, my dear swine, I do believe I’m being quite clear, much like my clothing, which is completely transparent, thank you for asking.”

“I didn’t, go fuck yourself.”

“I’m hired then? Thank you so much, I’m honoured.”

She looked at me like a serial killer looking a package of froot loops. She must like my proposal. She’s looking at me similarly to how that charming man, Mr. Dahmer looked at me last week. That reminds me, I must contact him again, he said he’d make me dinner. But that is besides the point. 

While I was reminiscing about that charming fellow I felt a frog climb up my spine, a very calming sensation, I assure you, it felt similar to having your bones licked by dragon, if you’ve never done that, you are missing out, dear reader. Once this frog had managed to perch on my shoulder like a hawk about to rip my eyes out, he came sesually close to my ear and whispered,

“Hi ho, Kremit the amphibian here, I hear you are aiming to become an exotic dancer.”

“Why yes, how’d you know?”

“Despite my lack of ears, I hear everything. And let me tell you, give up on your dreams now, kid.” 

“See I would take your advice, but I am afraid I am a naive piece of shit and I have a condition called spite and frankly, I don’t give a damn.”

“Nevermind, I like your attitude, you’re hired.”

The pig cleared her throat and it sounded like pop rocks being shot out of a cannon from the french revolution. She then glowered at the amphibian and stated, 

“Look, I know you have a reputation Mr. Kreme. But you have no power. Anyways, kid, you’re hired.”

“Actually it's Kremit.” He corrected. Only to be quickly interrupted by my ecstatic response as I accidentally shot him across the room in excitement. There was a sickening crack as he hit the wall and then an odd blood looking and smelling liquid wafted from him and he laid tragically on the lap of a whore who looked like a beaker and was screaming the word “Mi” constantly in panic, that’s pretty annoying. But it’s not my problem, or fault, for that matter, anyways, back to my stellar reaction, which is the important part.

“Sulfur Tungsten electron x 2 Tau.” I screeched in an excited manner. 

“I will suck any dick to know what you said and to never hear it again.” Said Miss piggy with a burning hatred for my soul. 

I began to sweat, I then explained shamefully “Sweet, it was a funny play on words using the periodic tab-”

“Yeah, I don’t give a shit. Just don’t say it again.” she said, suddenly acquiring a knife out of the dick looking thing on her cane and then stabbed my kneecaps, which was as high as she could reach. Luckily, I had spares, and I quickly replaced them with ease.

“Oh yeah, what’s your name kid?” She rasped, suddenly having a cigar as she led me to an odd smelling booth. 

“Swallows, Insert-Name-Here Swallows, Miss Piggy.” I replied. 

“Please, kid, Miss Piggy was my mother, call me Miss Piggy.” She says, taking a swig of the cigar. Drinking the tobacco that has turned to liquid with her acid-like breath. I was baffled, I can’t believe I could be so stupid to make that mistake.

“Yes, ma’am.” I saluted. She then pulled out the knife again, right out of the urethra. And then fires it right through my wenis. I was trying to stop the bleeding in my now damaged elbow as I realized it is not a knife, it’s just a very sharp gun. What a cheapskate. 

Miss Piggy interrupted my thoughts. “Anyways, I was going to give you a stage name but your name is already so idiotic that I won’t even bother to change it. Now, the next thing, what are your kinks? And I hope you know, Daddy kinks do earn you points.” 

“Duly noted, Ma’am.” I am shot and stabbed once again but it does not break my spirit, it only strengthens me. I think I’m either a newly discovered masochist or she’s laced the gun with the good kush. I’m thinking a bit of both. 

“Look swallows, I’m not getting any younger and I can feel the stick up my ass getting tired of this bullshit, I don’t how freaky, just lay them on me.”

“Well, I’ve recently learned of my masochistic ways, bondage, knife play, overstimulation, voyeurism, creampies, humiliation. Other than that I haven’t explored myself much.” I explain with absolutely no shame because why would I have any in the first place. 

“Well, I guess you’re up for the job. Welcome to the gig, Swallows. You start tomorrow, please do not wear transparent clothes tomorrow.” She croaked before one of her lungs collapsed and then she removed it and replaced it in one swift move. 

“You can’t control me! I’m my own me! You’re not my mom who was coincidentally killed by a falling piano a block away from here! I can do what I want.” I screeched and I removed the see-through bracelets from my ankles. 

“Swallows, I loathe your existence but we need more staff. Just show up tomorrow and find Gonzo, he’ll teach you the ropes.”

“Yes ma’am” 

I have lost all my kneecaps.

**Author's Note:**

> I did warn you. Oh well. It's not super cursed. Just kind of cringey. 
> 
> Gifted to squeezyworld who happens to be my ghost writer who is looming over my shoulder as we speak. Send help. Love you!


End file.
